A dear friend of mine recently wrote a blog about why he thinks his single, educated, hot, Black female friends are single. I told him that if we'd been in the same room when I read that blog, I would have smacked him. When I spoke with a coworker about it, she said she wanted to read something that broached that subject without telling Black women that they are doing something wrong, what about the other reasons? Well, it's all in good fun, but I'm going to tell you why we think we're single. Please, feel free to comment (on the page) and add your two cents. Oh, and if you want to know what my friend said, you'll have to read his blog: www.cogitohayes.blogspot.com.
1. Many of the men we attract are undereducated.
I've heard on more than one occasion that I need to give the bus driver a chance. Here's the problem with that. I'm not worried about how much money the bus driver makes (I know of one who works so many hours, he pulls in $80k/year). I'm more concerned about whether or not we share the same values in regards to education and ambition. Yes, there are some men with only high school diplomas who devour entire libraries on their down time, but there are many who do not. It turns out, it's safer to assume someone who is similar to you in educational attainment or career would have the same values concerning educational attainment or career. It's not a diss, it's a time saver. You don't go to a steakhouse when you especially want fish. They might have excellent fish, but it just makes sense to go to a seafood restaurant, right?
2. I speculate that we might attract undereducated men because many of us have those traditional African features that have been routinely frown upon in American society - big butts, hips, full lips, wide noses, and sometimes natural (not chemically straightened) hair, and these men like that. The other group of men who like that are old. These men are used to the idea that a sistah looks like a sistah, big ol' legs and all. Many (educated) Black men right now seem to want women who are less African and more European in their features if their skin is any shade of brown, and conversely, women with lighter/whiter shades of skin to have more traditional 'round the way girl bodies (L.A. face with an Oakland booty). Older men have not bought into these physical beauty standards, so they are all about us. Only problem is, we don't want old men.
3. We intimidate (Black) men who seem to have more in common with us.
One friend wondered if her advanced degree made some men feel like their advanced degrees weren't special enough. Although we definitely appreciate a man with a good job and education, we don't swoon when they drive up in their BMWs/Jags/Lexuses and announce that they are electrical engineers/lawyers/doctors/businessmen. This is a jumping off point, but it doesn't mean the deal is done. We think, okay, great, he and I probably have a few things in common, let's see where we go from here. (We think) they think that we're supposed to drop everything and be willing to give them and deal with whatever they want because they are educated and have a good job. We are not, which means it is a whole lot harder to run game on us, or just be selfish because you've gotten away with being selfish before. Then there are the debates. When men get in each other's faces, it's considered dick measuring, we don't have dicks, so we're not interesting in debating politics/religion/what women need to learn to do for their men on our down time. We want to have FUN on our down time.
4. White men aren't attracted to us.
For the most part, we look like sistahs (see above) and American society frowns upon that (see above, again).
5. When White men are attracted to us, they are afraid to approach us.
Let me get this out of the way: I once read that White men assume all Black men have extremely huge penises and don't bother to approach Black women because Black women are used to these extremely large penises that they do not have. I do not know if there is truth in (any part of) this statement, but it's ridiculous and fascinating, so I thought I'd put it out there. Moving away from that, there are a ton of negative stereotypes about Black women, from being too sexual, to not being sexual at all, to being emasculating, to being extremely uneducated and poor. So, even when a White guy finds one of us attractive, we think he won't approach us with all of those terrible thoughts in mind.
6. When White men do approach us, they just think we are exotic sex toys that they have to try at least once. And nobody wants to be a toy.
7. Everything I said about White men is also true for other non-White/non-Black men, except, men from historically misogynistic cultures will try to dominate us, and we're not having it.
The above might suggest that we pretty much feel as though we are doomed to stay single forever because men are evil or worthless, but that's not true. Most of us believe our princes are going to come, but that it may take a little longer than it has for others because of the reasons above. I also do not mean to imply that there aren't Black women with a ton of issues that keep them from having successful, healthy relationships. What I am saying is that for those of us who do not have those issues, have open minds, and are doing all those things people are constantly charging us to do when faced with our singledom, here are some reasons we think we are single.