Monday, July 8, 2013

Sex with Strangers

I went out Saturday night. It's been awhile since I've wondered the city alone, and it was a good time. First I started with dinner. Catfish and grits and a couple of happy hour drinks. Every once in a while, I would crane my neck and look around, unfortunately, this bar was not situated in a way that allowed for people watching. That aside, the food and drinks were delish. I finished and decided it was on to the next.

I walked a popular street and was stopped by a barber as I glanced in his window. He told me he was drawn by my beauty, I laughed out loud. I thought he was going to offer me a haircut, as most barbers who see my short do do. But he did not, he told me he was just about to clock out and asked that I call him when I decided my destination so that we could get drinks. I took his card and said okay. He wasn't unattractive, but not quite attractive. It may seem deceitful that I said I would call when I had no intention to do so, but I've found that even when I specifically say, "No, I'm not interested," guys still ask me to take their numbers, so instead of going through all of that, I just said sure, and kept walking. After a couple of blocks, I decided to go to one of my old standbys, which meant driving several blocks away.

At Old Standby, there seemed to be no AC, mostly women at the bar, and groups on the patio, so I decided to wander the street for awhile. I hadn't walked this area in maybe a year, and there were many changes. I gazed around as though I was a tourist because so much was different and new (to me). For instance, a spot I used to hang in in my twenties, then stopped as I approached my thirties, was now populated by folks in their fifties. Wow. At the top of the street I took refuge in a bookstore I had been to before, for the books and the AC. I love this book store. The books are used and half off, which means that although the collection is extensive, it's a bit random. Also, I love my Kindle, but nothing beats that old book smell. I haven't bought anything from this bookstore, yet, but I'm going to clean them out one day. After a bit of browsing, including the "sexy vampire" section, and cooling down, I crossed the street and commenced my tourist-like gaze as I walked back down to Old Standby. Just before I walked through the door, I noticed a guy sitting with some friends who was noticing me. He had also noticed me as I drove up. He was extremely attractive, so I gave a little smile after a little eye contact and walked through the door.

It was so hot, so my goal was to drink and sit very still. I had the bartender make my newest version of a mojito, one with Jamison and ginger instead of rum and soda. I wish I could say I created this delicious concoction, but I did not. One of my fav restaurants makes it with Jamison and ginger beer. Mmmm! Anyway, I digress.  So, I had my first drink, a little too quickly, and preceded to have a couple of glasses of water. I people watched through the big picture window that was actually just empty air to make up for what I found out was a very inefficient AC unit. For awhile people came and went and I just daydreamed, I may have been on the verge of heatstroke. I decided to take a restroom break before my next drink when I ran into the guy who noticed me twice. Well, I saw him go towards the restroom a few minutes before I headed up... Anyway, he immediately said that he'd watched me hoping I'd smile at him (my little smile might actually look more like a grimace, oops!), I told him I thought I had smiled, which lead to lots of smiling and him inviting me over to his table.  I agreed, and after my restroom break and ordering my second (fourth of the night) drink, I joined him and his friends. Turns out it was his boy and three women they'd just met. Interesting. The women were Ethiopian, but living in Minnesota for school. They all turned out to be cool people, which was a relief since it's always nice to hook up with cool people when you're out wandering the city alone. But, of course, it wasn't that simple. The guy friend was married, one of the women was engaged (she was gorgeous by the way, so yay she was engaged!), which left two other women, one of which was my rival, of course. She was sitting on the other side of the guy who'd invited me over and, before I sat down, was enjoying his attention. Suffice it to say, they left about 20 minutes after I sat down. It wouldn't have bothered me if they had not left, though, as hot as he was (smokin'!), I would have been happy just hanging out with cool people. But that is not how the night turned out.

Shortly after the women left, the married guy had to get home before curfew, so my guy asked me to go to his house. Of course not. Let me set it up for you. It was 10pm, he lived in the next city over, and neither of us own a car (I had used a car share earlier, one that could not be used outside city limits). Those were the logistics. Was I actually interested in going home with him? Nope, not even a little. He was fine, no doubt. He was from Senegal, very dark skin, nice, even smile, thick lips, a bit of a button nose, beautiful dark eyes, and he had a well groomed short beard with very low hair cut. He was about 5'8" or 5'9", and muscular, but not overbearingly so. I wasn't thrilled that he asked me to come to his house, but I thought of something a pastor actually said once, "Don't get mad when he wants to sleep with you, of course he wants to sleep with you!..." So, told him it was early and he should continue to hang out with me - in public. He agreed, even though that meant he was losing a ride with his friend.

We went to another spot I really like and had another drink. And we talked, a lot. We exchanged pictures (phones) of our smaller relatives (my nephew, his nieces and nephews), and he told me I was beautiful and sexy, and when I modestly blushed (cause that's what you're supposed to do), he asked me how I felt about myself. I told him I'm awesome (we covered that last post), and he agreed. Then, in his African Prince accent (think Eddie Murphy in coming to America, but sexy), he asked me for a kiss. I gave him one and it was pretty fantastic. Shortly after that I made another restroom stop (although some say you shouldn't break the seal, I say the secret to feeling relatively sober is drinking lots of water and going to the restroom as much as needed), I asked him to dance with me and we got down as the DJ spun. So much fun and so sexy, which is why he took me aside and kissed me like he meant it. Damn, the memory is making my eyeballs roll back!  After more dancing he asked if I wanted to leave. I was sweating bullets, so I said sure. Outside, he asked his place or mine. I said neither. He said he was disappointed because he "desired" me.  Of course, I desired him, too, but I'm over the whole one night stand/casual sex thing. I could say I'm too old (for that shit), but that's not really it, because Viagra has proven that nobody is too old for sex. But, my experiences have led me to understand that sex with strangers is usually not a good enough time to take the risk(s).

First, pregnancy and STDs happen even with condoms. Second, when a woman goes home with a stranger, it's not certain that in the event she changes her mind, said stranger will oblige. Third, God said no. All that aside, what I've come to understand through my own experiences and the recounting of others' is that when you have sex with a stranger, its quite likely that things will happen that you don't like. The stranger could be an excellent person with excellent bedroom skills, but because you don't actually know each other, the stranger may like or dislike things you dislike or like. What you find abhorrent, the stranger might find delightful. What you find normal, the stranger may find tedious. Just because I enjoyed kissing this man, which I really, really did, there was no guarantee that I would enjoy inviting him into my body and that I would leave the encounter unscathed.  Had I gone ahead and invited him to my home, he did not rob me, and he was the most amazing guy in bed I'd ever met, chances are I would have never heard from him again, and would have spent the rest of my life pining after that Super Penis that got away. But, it's likely he would have just been okay and I would have spent the entire night uncomfortably awake because I don't sleep well with strangers in my bed.

I told him that I didn't want to have sex even though he was sexy as hell and I enjoyed kissing him. He said a bunch of stuff before he said, "That's your choice." We kissed some more. We walked some more. He tried to come home with me some more .. and more ... and more. I never wavered, he never asked for my number. 

The cool thing would be to say I'm not bothered. I did have a good time drinking and dancing and kissing, all in all, it was quite the excellent night, but I am bothered. Not so much that the guy was a jerk, because of course he wanted to have sex with me, but because it's expected that because I kiss a guy and do a little dirty dancing, I'm supposed to then have sex with him. I'm bothered that it seems weird (at least to some), that sex with a stranger is not automatic because I kissed him. Maybe people didn't have as thorough a high school biology class as I did, but just as the mouth does not lead to the  vagina, kissing does not have to lead to sex. Let me know if you need me to outline some differences between mouths and vaginas, because I can do that for you, or at least find a few informative links.

There are some, especially men, who might suggest that I missed out on an experience that may have blown my mind. While it is true that it may have been some to the moon and back boot knockin', it turns out that chicks are more likely to have a lovely time when they actually know the guy, so at the very least, I'm going to go ahead and wait until that third date. In the meantime, I'm good with kissing strangers.

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